Archive for the Fun with metrics Category

The day The Economy failed to forward the Lotus Totus email.

Posted in Big Business Scams, Confusion, Fun with metrics, Life is like Christopher Guest said it was, Miracles, Philosophy?, Popular Culture, The meaning of life with tags , , , , , , on March 16, 2009 by Admin
Ken cake

I have no idea why this image is here. None.

UPDATE: In an effort to uncover the author of the Touts I have sent the following appeal: “Dear Geraldo Rivera, Can you please do an expose on the Lotus Totus, like you did with the ‘wrestling’ industry? That was awesome! Thanks, Mo”

What really happened to The Economy?

It just hit me today.

I think someone emailed the “Lotus ‘Touts” chain email to The Economy and it failed to forward it to all of its friends and then this “very unpleasant surprise” happened.

Maybe Bernie Madoff emailed the Lotus Touts to each of his clients and none of them forwarded it. If so, his actions are clearly justified as it was meant to be, per the negative magical power that is the Lotus Touts.

Astrologists the world over are trying to figure out why all horoscopes have suddenly turned dire.

The Lotus Touts must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise.

It’s plausible. I mean, everyone – regardless of their faith, should believe in the true brilliance of the Lotus Totus/Touts, right? “This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.”



That sentence confuses me, grammatically. Doesn’t the ‘not’ refer to everything that follows? So this would read, “This is true, even if you are not superstitious, not agnostic, or not otherwise faith impaired.” <–I like this version of that sentence not less, but many a lot more.

I failed to forward my Lotus Touts email and within hours I received a delinquent tax notice and one of my pirated software applications broke. <–True story. Who do I see about that? The sender (who, according to my logic, now owes me a paid, legitimate version of photoshop)? What risks do we take by forwarding this potentially dangerous bit of magic to our friends and family? Like, what if something REALLY awful happened? What if you found out that 10 minutes after receiving this email (and a subsequent investigation showed NO outgoing forwards of the Lotus Touts/Totus magical email on their computer) something really horrible had happened to your mother-in-law/neighbor/co-worker/partner? I think magical chain emails with potentially harmful consequences should be outlawed. Look what it did to The Economy.


According to it was originally called Lotus Totus and apparently someone typoed it along the way.  And now it keeps coming back and around as Lotus Touts.

That’s fucking hilarious! A chain letter with a typo in the very name of it, going around the world with said typo ten times. Brilliant.

For those of you who have not yet been blessed with this magical email I give you THE FULL BRILLIANCE THAT IS THE ORIGINAL LOTUS TOUTS EMAIL: (additional grammaticalities and typos below were included free of charge with the original email. I make more interesting typos, IMHO)

Lotus Touts means Good Luck which is a phrase use by the British!

The Lotus Touts must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.

HOPE IT BRINGS ALL OF YOU GOOD LUCK!!!! (but of course – the author has inserted 4 exclamation points!!!!)

(SNEAK PEEK: After the jump …”TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone Anthony Robbins. The caller Anthony Robbins will hear it in your voice…”) Continue reading

The Stop The Pike Hike organizers are politely asked to cease their “Boston Toll Party”

Posted in Activism?, Adventures and Interludes, Big Business Scams, Fun with metrics, Life is like Christopher Guest said it was, The meaning of life, Thoughts with tags , , , , , , on December 16, 2008 by Admin
Tea Party

Tea Party

It takes 2 minutes to sign this petition. please sign it.

So the mayor asked the guys to stop their one-day boycott of the pike boycott because of it’s potential negative impact on certain geo- and demographics. But he does support their protest against the toll doublings.

I am confused as to why people don’t sign petitions more often than they do. Do we actually support the doubling of the tolls on a road that was built on a promise that it would collect tolls no longer than that day on which it would be paid for, and yet was then perpetuated to support the salaries in place?

I bet a lot of us go to Boston once in a while and will then be upset at what it costs to get through the tolls. Of course we can always set aside an extra 45 minutes and take RT 2. Or, we can take Rt 9 all the way in and allow another so many extra minutes for all the traffic and lights. The one day boycott was not random and without consideration for those it would affect – it was about demonstrating exactly what will happen if the increases do go into effect. People will take another route around. And given the current economic situation, it seems a funny time to overburden the commoners. You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille.

The Boston Tea Party opposed being under taxation by King George III to exert greater control over the colonies and pay for his government’s costly French and Indian wars. The current toll increases are an attempt to pay for the costly Big Dig.

The one day boycott could be called The Boston Toll Party and the tollbooths could be dumped in the Charles River.

The Big Dig costs spiraled out of control as greedy people fudged their books and collected giant salaries for those at the top. Sounds like… Continue reading

Top Search Engine Terms people used to find my blog

Posted in Communication, Confusion, Fun with metrics with tags , , , , , , on October 17, 2008 by Admin

I owe a special thanks to Cy Twomby, Amoebas, Giant Cats and Rasputin. With extra thanks to me, that crazy toy phone floating around the world called Benign Girl, white people and Sandy Skoglund – with whom I “collaborated” on an installation.

Special thanks also go to Miss Pokeno and Escape Goats in general. I could only heart those Escape Goat search terms more if they were spelled “Exscape Goat”.

I love looking at my comparative metrics. Maybe only I find that interesting. And I don’t get the comparative part of that term. Comparative to… zero? like as in comparing to the starting point? In that case I don’t mind the comparison. Anyway–read on to see the funny stats.

Continue reading

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