The day The Economy failed to forward the Lotus Totus email.

Ken cake

I have no idea why this image is here. None.

UPDATE: In an effort to uncover the author of the Touts I have sent the following appeal: “Dear Geraldo Rivera, Can you please do an expose on the Lotus Totus, like you did with the ‘wrestling’ industry? That was awesome! Thanks, Mo”

What really happened to The Economy?

It just hit me today.

I think someone emailed the “Lotus ‘Touts” chain email to The Economy and it failed to forward it to all of its friends and then this “very unpleasant surprise” happened.

Maybe Bernie Madoff emailed the Lotus Touts to each of his clients and none of them forwarded it. If so, his actions are clearly justified as it was meant to be, per the negative magical power that is the Lotus Touts.

Astrologists the world over are trying to figure out why all horoscopes have suddenly turned dire.

The Lotus Touts must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise.

It’s plausible. I mean, everyone – regardless of their faith, should believe in the true brilliance of the Lotus Totus/Touts, right? “This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.”

Shit.

Shit.

That sentence confuses me, grammatically. Doesn’t the ‘not’ refer to everything that follows? So this would read, “This is true, even if you are not superstitious, not agnostic, or not otherwise faith impaired.” <–I like this version of that sentence not less, but many a lot more.

I failed to forward my Lotus Touts email and within hours I received a delinquent tax notice and one of my pirated software applications broke. <–True story. Who do I see about that? The sender (who, according to my logic, now owes me a paid, legitimate version of photoshop)? What risks do we take by forwarding this potentially dangerous bit of magic to our friends and family? Like, what if something REALLY awful happened? What if you found out that 10 minutes after receiving this email (and a subsequent investigation showed NO outgoing forwards of the Lotus Touts/Totus magical email on their computer) something really horrible had happened to your mother-in-law/neighbor/co-worker/partner? I think magical chain emails with potentially harmful consequences should be outlawed. Look what it did to The Economy.

AND HERE’S THE BEST PART-

According to breakthechain.org it was originally called Lotus Totus and apparently someone typoed it along the way.  And now it keeps coming back and around as Lotus Touts.

That’s fucking hilarious! A chain letter with a typo in the very name of it, going around the world with said typo ten times. Brilliant.

For those of you who have not yet been blessed with this magical email I give you THE FULL BRILLIANCE THAT IS THE ORIGINAL LOTUS TOUTS EMAIL: (additional grammaticalities and typos below were included free of charge with the original email. I make more interesting typos, IMHO)

Lotus Touts means Good Luck which is a phrase use by the British!

The Lotus Touts must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.

HOPE IT BRINGS ALL OF YOU GOOD LUCK!!!! (but of course – the author has inserted 4 exclamation points!!!!)

(SNEAK PEEK: After the jump …”TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone Anthony Robbins. The caller Anthony Robbins will hear it in your voice…”)

(Ed. note – I tried to fix it a bit using the strikethrough and italic tools)

File name (as I found it): "anthony-robbins-in-a-suit-confident"

File name (as I found it): "anthony-robbins-in-a-suit-confident"

This is without a doubt one of the nicest good luck forwards I have received. Hope it works for you — and me!

Lotus Touts: You have 6 minutes to live, if you do not forward this chain email to at least 1-4 people. Even if you do not know any people.

There’s some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you’re not superstitious. This Lotus Touts has been sent to you for good luck from the Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent around the world ten times so far.

Do not keep this message..

The Lotus Touts must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.

ONE. Give people Anthony Robbins more than they expects and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman Anthony Robbins you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. Anthony Robbins says

FOUR. When you say, ‘I love you Anthony Robbins,’ mean it.

FIVE. When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person Anthony Robbins in the eye.

regret

Why? Why did the Titanic not forward the Lotus Totus?

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married to Anthony Robbins.

SEVEN. Believe in love with Anthony Robbins at first sight..

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s Anthony Robbins dreams. People who don’t have dreams Anthony Robbins don’t have much.

NINE. Love Anthony Robbins deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely..

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name Anthony Robbins calling.

ELEVEN. Don’t judge people Anthony Robbins by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk Anthony Robbins but think quickly.

THIRTEEN! .. When Anthony Robbins asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know Anthony Robbins?’

FOURTEEN. Remember that Anthony Robbins, great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Well, he didn't have email, BUT he could have transcribed it and distributed it among his apostles.

Well, he didn't have email, BUT he could have transcribed it and distributed it among his apostles.

FIFTEEN. Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone Anthony Robbins sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson Anthony Robbins.

SEVE NTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self Anthony Robbins; Respect for others Anthony Robbins; and Responsibility for all your actions Anthony Robbins.

EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship Anthony Robbins into your wallet.

NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made money, take immediate steps to correct it give it to Anthony Robbins.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone Anthony Robbins. The caller Anthony Robbins will hear it in your voice

TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alo ne money on Anthony Robbins.

Now, here’s the FUN part!

The Devil MAY care if you don't forward the Touts.

The Devil MAY care if you don't forward the Touts.

Send this to at least 5 people and your life Anthony Robbins will improve love you.

1-4 people: Your life Anthony Robbins will improve your life slightly.

5-9 people: Your life Anthony Robbins will improve your life to your liking.

9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises Anthony Robbins moments in the next 3 weeks

15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything Anthony Robbins you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.

A true friend Anthony Robbins is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. Do not keep this message.

More on The Lotus Totus Infamy:

@ SNOPES.COM “Don’t drink and derive–know your limits.”

@NEITZEN.POSTEROUS.COM “That first bit of advice should’ve hit close enough to home to cancel out all urges to forward this chain letter to anyone.”

@BREAKTHECHAIN.ORG “a lot of people have been annoyed by this piece of drivel and have begged me to break it…”


8 Responses to “The day The Economy failed to forward the Lotus Totus email.”

  1. I should have thought faster! I should have forwarded this to a priest, a lawyer, God, a Rabbi, a duck, and a talking dog.

  2. What if you don’t even know anyone to send it to? Then your life goes from bad to worse? I am terrified. Can this be stopped?

  3. I really did just email Geraldo about this. I found his email address at http://www.foxnews.com/geraldo/

  4. Shit. Now if you google lotus totus I appear on page 1 of google search results.

    i really did email geraldo rivera about this.

  5. Having emailed Geraldo to suggest he expose Lotus Totus for the satanical cultish chain mail evildom that it is, I am also now following him on twitter so i can follow his imminent investigation. into Lotus Totus.

  6. “This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.”

    If “this” has no antecedent then, without a reference, if is true; it cannot be shown to be false.

    Further,

    “<–I like this version of that sentence not less, but many a lot more.”

    Given that a lot is usually a gross (144), and that many must mean at least three, you must like it at least 432 times as much. Specificity is the soul of twit.

  7. Yep, you’re right, you do show up on a Google search and I’m glad it did, great blog!

    Like everyone else I get endless things sent me sworn to be truer than the gospels, not so difficult but you get my drift, by people sitting at a computer who don’t bother to check if there’s even a touch of truth in their ‘facts’. Some of these people are educated, some are intelligent (obvious differences in the two states of being) and all of them leave me feeling like a bitch because I can’t stop forwarding them the links that let them know this stuff they forward is….I dunno….sad? Complete and utter bulls**t?

    Humanity, gotta love it, no advances we make seems to soften the lust for myth, magic and some good ol’ snake oil.

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