Benigngirl

My brother Matt moved to another world in 1985. After he left, I found a book of poetry in his apartment in Lowell, MA where he was attending college. I decided to start posting selections of his words here.

COPYRIGHT 2008 MO RINGEY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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October 25 Sunday 2008 6:49 am

Last evening’s rain, so balmy and windy, became a crash; more of an implosion really, or so it sounded. I inspected my windows and, finding nothing amiss, went off to dream of floating on an ocean with no land in sight.

Drinking my coffee at 6 am, velvety dark – the morning and the coffee – my path was hampered by the debris of the greenhouse window box; the crash I had heard. Somehow my first thought was to tell Matt about this. The air seemed full of him, more so than most mornings. He was everywhere, he was the air, and in the air. A single star shone above and twinkled at me familiarly. I had the strongest sensation that it was Matt. I thought about all the times I had picked up the phone to call him, and still do, and tell him about things; natural disasters, 911, that Jamoka had died, about this new thing called the internet, cell phones and my show at the museum, about a new broken bone or a book I had read – all reminiscent of that familiar feeling on trips to far-flung places such as Bangkok, Strasburg. Auckland, Melbourne, Tokyo, Spain and Chaing Mai and how I always looked for him there, thinking this is where he is, for he can not be gone; this is where I will find him. But he is not there because he is here. He has always been here. Today he is this star.

POETRY OF Matt Ringey 6/19/62 – 3/24/85

So you say you’re my friend
Through thick and through thin
But what in the end?
Which one of us wins?
You throw me a party
Everyone attends
Then over the radio
A warning they send
“The bombs might be coming”
When exactly? Who knows
Take cover, grab shelter
Stock water and clothes
Everyone clamors
The future looks bleak
Like animals fighting
The strong take the weak
And if I have shelter
For which you desire
Are you going to stop
To think for a while?
Or will you act blind
Try to save your own life
Maybe your children
Maybe your wife
The radio crackles
A false alarm has been sound
For now we’re all spared
But when doomsday’s round?

–Matt Ringey
4/5/84

A dream, a dream
Floats through my head
Takes my spirit
From all I dread
Dream much more
Than I could ever do
But in these dreams
I can always find you
Think I might have
Gone too far though
Now my dreams
Bring only sorrow
In my mind
A world so vast
I wish, I wish
That love would last
And so I wait
Maybe forever
Within my dream
When we’re together

-Matt Ringey
3/20/85

Winding foreign highway leads
To a strange and timeless town
One I have not been through yet
Can’t hurt to look around
The church and school on Main Street
With the tall oak tress abound
White picket fence and hemlock shrubs
Of the little house surround
Summertime, and in my mind
Nowhere else to be
Swimming streams and daylight dreams
Sets my spirit free
Riding incognito
Keeps me distant from the rest
They know I’m in here but cannot see me
It’s the way I like it best
Pretty faces turn and stare
As one lone cowboy rides
I’d like to stop and talk someday
But my true identity must hide
So as quickly as I came upon
This surreal folk town
It shrinks in rear-view mirrors
After one last look around

-Matt Ringey
1/24/84

When everyone is sound asleep
I rise up out of bed
With a cloudy radiance
Glowing in my head
Staring out at lazy fog
Dreams of days gone by
Dreams of life and dreams of love
Of which I find inside
Hours upon hours
These thoughts parade my head
Right to the edge of destiny
Quiet palace of the dead
Nobody seems to come here anyore
Am I the only one?
If this is so, now where do I go?
I get confused and run
I did my battle; it took me years
To find out who I am
Now I wish to spread it out
To help everyone I can
My God, you are within me now
There’s nothing I can do
but find someone to share you with
And start my life anew
I can’t change the world we live in
I can’t escape, I can’t pretend
And after all I wonder
Have I reached my end?

Undated

LETTERS TO MATT FROM A FRIGHTENED YOUNG GIRL

9/20/85
Dear Matt-
The sun was out today. It brought me back to the cemetary – a warm, sunny day and a black, gloomy day. I’m missing you – I don’t care where you go, I don’t care what you do… just take me with you. Today was bad. Some days are good, some days are bad. But a little piece of each day is always bad. But it doesn’t help. the magnitude, the impact, some days are evil. I want to remember the good; the hurt perseveres. I want to just ask why? It’s too late. I want to know your dreams, your hopes, your fears. I’m so tired. I’m going to read Winnie the Pooh and go to bed. Where are you? I love you.

9/22/85
Dear Matt-
I have a wall and I erected it when EVERYTHING HAPPENED. Somehow I can’t get past that term and my thoughts go no further back than that day. So I daydream about the future instead. Things have changed and so have I. Sometimes I don’t know where I am. I think I may cry soon, I think I may be able to. A Dream, a dream, floats through my head, takes my spirit from all I dread, In my dream I am with you, and EVERYTHING didn’t happen. I read Winnie the Pooh and went to bed.

9/25/85
Dear Matt-
I saw a nun riding a bicycle on Main Street today, wearing the whole GETUP. It made me feel really good – she was smiling. But it made me feel kinda bad cuz I didn’t know how to call the whole GETUP. It was sunny and warm. Nice day. Yesterday it rained all the time. I walked past the Hotel Northampton on the way to the bus and without knowing it, I ripped up all the flowers in the boxes with my umbrella.

9/27/85
Dear Matt-
Waited all day for the hurricane. Funny how your whole outlook changes when you really feel life – meaning how real and how horrible it can be; how mortal we are. Spent the day at mom and dad’s, prepared to protect them from any of [Hurricane] Gloria’s evil attempts. Turned out to be a big nothing storm.